When I look back at April-June time 2016 I think about how I was feeling really bright and ready for change. Ties had been cut with things that were holding me back and keeping me still and I was looking forward to starting a new job for the summer season.
This year has been different, the first two months have proven difficult for me for different reasons. I was forever feeling failure and hurt looming upon me, my mind has been telling me I’ve been reckless and made silly decisions, I’ve been constantly reminded of things that could have been and I have longed so hard for them to still be. Basically, I have felt weak and that I have been that weighted burden to people, consequently I’ve been a moody, dark shadow of a person 80% of the time. One minute I’m over the moon after hearing great news or spending an amazing day with friends or family and the next I’m sitting on the sofa shouting at the cats for being affectionate (sorry gals.)
Throughout my teenage years and the beginning of my twenties I like to think I have been a happy-go-lucky girl reeking of ‘let’s go out’, ‘does anyone want to go somewhere this weekend?’ or ‘friendly old Jazz’ or ‘Jasmine’s up for a drink/coffee/walk/night out’ and ‘YOLO’s (apologies). Recently this person had faded. This person had folded to become only half of the person that was there before.
This person however, was desperate to come back but failed to climb the wall I built to keep my glass half empty and keep me stationary for almost a whole two months.
I’m not here to splurge my feelings onto this empty word document to make you feel sorry for me or to plead for sympathy, I honestly don’t mind if it’s only read by a handful of my nearest and dearest, it’s mostly for my own realization that I am not weak or a burden or a ‘shadow of what once was’ in my most dramatic terms. I am normal.
I don’t know the facts of ‘The percentage of Brits that go through unemployment’ or how many females struggle to come to terms with a break up. All I know is that I am not the only person in the entirety of the world that has had these feelings and I won’t be the last. Coming to terms with the way I have been feeling recently and putting it into words is genuinely changing my mind set, even now as I’m typing straight from my overflowing mess of a brain I am reminded that these feelings are NORMAL and a weight is being lifted.
Please don’t think that I have written this in an attempt to be a motivational ‘blogger’ or that I am acting as if my world has crumbled and I am by choice being a stressy 24 year old when it’s not necessary and there are much worse scenarios that I could be in because as I’ve mentioned that is not the point. However, if I have influenced you at all with my hammy description of how my long and winding January and February road has been for me (so far) I hope it’s been a good one.
I am now, once again feeling ‘bright and ready for change’, I plan to take more risks and grasp 2017 by the balls. I am always going go be moany and often grumpy but my aim is to not let it consume me as much as it had up to now, piss off negativity, you weren’t invited. Just do you, it’s nice.
(Selfishly I have just said the word ‘I’ a lot in that outburst, however I feel incredibly lucky to have the support network that surrounds me and I thank those people intensely. There’s always someone.)